On Demand - The Real Feels of PDA

How pathological demand avoidance feels in my body and how I get stuff done

My ‘to-do’ list makes me feel physically uncomfortable (understatement much!); I didn’t understand why until I discovered the link between autism and pathological demand avoidance (PDA) after my late identification as AuDHD.

I associated it with failing, being unable to cope with simple things without an internal protest.

PDA is a profile within the autism spectrum, characterised by the avoidance of demands.

The intensity of reactions varies between individuals, and demands can be external (someone else initiating the demand, e.g. a family member asking you to close the door) or internal (self-imposed expectations, e.g. knowing you ‘should’ take a shower).

I’m sharing how PDA feels for me.

I won’t be discussing the science or theories: I highly recommend visiting

SENDinMama

for a wealth of information.

Our autistic son displays PDA traits, and it was her article ‘The Ladder and the Lion: A Gentle Guide to Polyvagal Theory for Parents of PDA Children’ that helped me truly understand what happens internally when demands are placed on us.

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So, how does it feel?

Think dread. Pit of the stomach, sickening, visceral dread.

Pounding heart, a flush of foreboding.

That’s how PDA manifests in my body.

Sounds dramatic about hanging the washing on the line and feeding the guinea pigs, right?

The moment I think I ’should’ or ‘must’ do something, no matter how trivial, WHAM!

For the first 41 years of life, I had no idea why I felt this way. It added to my self-depreciation. Thoughts of ‘why can’t I cope with day-to-day life?’.

I’d wake up in the morning and enjoy that first moment of ignorant bliss. Then consider the day’s agenda, and, smack… There it is!

Internal demands affect me more than external ones. This reflects my rule-bound, people-pleasing, high-masking nature. PDA conflicts with my need to appease.

For most of my life, I rode the wave of dread and ‘pushed through’ to get stuff done. Even internal demands align with external expectations for the most part: showering, being presentable, feeding your kids!

Since learning why I feel this way, I’ve learned to manage the internal pressure, which has helped bring some ease.

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Like most people, I have numerous daily tasks. Routine jobs that don’t require planning; there’s no need to think about them beforehand, but I used to.

That ‘to-do’ list is usually 90% housekeeping, family logistics, and parenting.

When I wake up these days, I don’t ask myself what’s on the list. I concentrate on getting up, taking care of Little One and having a cup of tea.

I might have taken it too far, as I now sometimes forget appointments - I must remember to check my diary, though I haven’t missed any yet

Achieving this required being mindful, identifying what aggravated the PDA, and actively practising to eliminate it. It took time, but it’s introduced an element of softness to my mornings.

During the day, when PDA arises, I play with it; I tell myself, ‘it’s ok, I don’t have to do that. No one gets hurt if I don’t make the bed.’ Once I remove ‘must’ or ‘should’, I’m usually more willing to get on with it!

This doesn’t work for appointments or non-negotiables, but it lightens the overall load.

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OCD and PDA don’t make for happy bedmates. OCD, in cahoots with my sensory sensitivities, demands perfection. That I perform tasks quickly - even immediately, and it craves routine, or else it increases my anxiety. OCD generates internal demands, triggering the PDA.

I’ve worked on loosening the grip of my OCD. That wasn’t easy, but I achieved a modicum of release through counselling. It’s not perfect, but it’s more comfortable.

Understanding was key; letting myself be messy around the edges helped, like:

• Not washing the cup immediately after use

• Staying in pyjamas when we’re not leaving the house

• Storing deliveries out of sight to open later

I stopped demanding ‘perfect’ output and embraced ‘lived-in’ comfort.

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Check out the first issue of my new Zine, ‘Alys’ Adventures in AuDHD-Land’ in the post below. It highlights the push-pull relationship between Autistic Alys and ADHD Alys regarding household chores.

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