Trauma, Masking and Layers
Escalating anxiety and C-PTSD
I sit in the car, heart pounding, in anticipation of what’s to come. The dreaded school run; the forced social interaction outside the gate. I’m glad school has restarted, but drop-off and pick-up are bigger issues than last year.
Over the last few months, my anxiety has escalated. Events that used to leave me feeling uncomfortable are beginning to feel impossible. Given a choice, honestly, I wouldn’t leave the house.
Many things that make me anxious stem from my neurodiversity. Sensory issues: the sound of chatter, people crowding around me, smells assaulting my senses, to name a few. These have always existed, along with the stress of raising neurodivergent children, one of whom has severe additional needs.
These days, all stress hits harder.
It’s been 18 months since discovering I’m AuDHD. I’ve done a lot of processing, peeled back layers of masking, with many yet to discover. I wonder if it was the mask that held me together? Unpicking its threads has loosened my ability to function. I’m the antithesis of ‘put together’.
This unravelling isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In the long run, the trauma behind the veneer needs resolution. I’ll admit, though, it’s difficult to endure.
I suspect I have C-PTSD, and this exacerbates my overwhelm, leaving me in a continuous spiral of burnout. I’ve spent a lifetime masking. I also survived 12 years of emotional abuse and gaslighting. It would be more surprising if I didn’t have it.
I’ve never taken medication for my anxiety. It’s always terrified me, so I never even spoke to my GP about it. What was the point? But I’m there now. I’m ready to try anything, because the alternative is to go on until I’m a prisoner in my own home.
I’ve taken the first step to pursue a diagnosis. Given how stretched the NHS mental health service is, it’s bound to take a long time, but medication should be an option in the meantime to bring me some relief.
This path I’m on is meandering, with issues running into each other. I’m walking it with my eyes and mind open, clinging to hope for a better future.
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I often ask which is rearing - autism, menopause, or CPTSD! I can say that the hormone factor has been a huge factor in my own anxiety and want to mention here as a contributing factor because so many of the ND population are affected more severely. For me anxiety and the AM cortisol rush have affected every part of daily life!
' I wonder if it was the mask that held me together? Unpicking its threads has loosened my ability to function.'
This, exactly. I've been wondering about the same thing for a while now. Thank you for expressing it so clearly.