Sometimes the most unfiltered posts we write are the most relatable. That is certainly the case here. I've reached a place in my burnout where I just can't focus on anything, including writing Substack posts. I look at how many days it has been since I posted my last one, also aware that my views have taken a hit, and then I panic because it's been over a week and I feel this dreadful obligation to post something even when I can't think of a single thing to write about. And even that is with 6,000 different thoughts in my head.
Then I remind myself about why I'm writing in the first place. Yes it's nice to have as many views as possible, but that's not really why I do it. I do it because it helps me makes sense of myself. Almost every post I've written has helped me clear my head in some way. Perhaps it's the same for you?
A rant and a ramble - we should start a double act ha ha! I'll be honest, I have a vague idea, but I can't fully remember what's in the post, and I only wrote it 2 or 3 hours ago. It just poured out. I've been getting this need in the afternoon to just get things off my chest by writing about them - I think it helps. It certainly doesn't contribute to the 'addiction' side of substack for me, because, like you say - that's why I'm here, not to scroll and scroll! I briefly worry that people will think I'm a whingy, sad moo, but if that's true, I guess so be it!
I hope you can give yourself lots of grace. I think I turn to social media or Substack because I’m looking for something: connection : human contact : brain food : escapism : - caring for a little one with lots of needs can be lonely and gruelling. Perhaps if there were more real life in person helpers we wouldn’t turn to our phones so much but - my friends are at work / my family don’t live locally etc etc. so - if I want to see a face or express myself then I have a little machine in my pocket that can meet some of that need albeit imperfectly.
This pm my kid was playing in the garden he wants me there but he wants me to be sat still not doing jobs - so - I go on Substack as well as staring into space. I tried to read a book but he kept snatching the book / stealing the book mark. I’m good at putting the phone down as soon as he wants me. I’m not going to beat myself up about it and I hope you can be really gentle with yourself because, it’s hard what you do x
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'm not always good at putting the phone down when he wants me, I'm guilty of being irritated with him for disturbing me, because the disruption is pretty constant. But yes, it is all those things, but I think I've lost myself in there somehow too and I need to find a balance x
I have such a terrible relationship with rest as well. It's hard not to get hyperfixated on Substack as well. The way I see it is that I'm not in the space where I can truly bring my insights forward and this is still an exploratory play area. I'm happy (and hoping, because I have plans) for this to stay a sort of "back burner" until my real calling makes itself apparent through showing up here. For us neurodivergents it's hard hyperfixating and not getting immediate results in a big way, because we're probably used to doing the work of 10 people when we have a good run at it. Motherhood significantly slows that process 😅 An autistic girl who's podcast I listen to described it as "being crushed under the weight of her own potential". I definitely feel that 😂 The thing I'm realising is that will probably never leave me. I'm trying to make peace with that feeling being there constantly 😅 I know your situation is completely different and I hope I'm not coming across as trying to guide you, just my honest reflections on the feelings this have brought up for me. You're making wonderful insights and connections here, even if it feels slow 🐌 💙🙏🏻
I can certainly relate to her feeling of "being crushed under the weight of her own potential" too! Since realising about my AuDHD, I've had to take a serious look at what is realistically possible for me in the future, and at the moment, 'not much' is the answer! There's too much to deal with at home with my son to even think about getting a job or going back to uni, because I know I wouldn't cope; I'd quickly become overwhelmed. But here, I feel I belong, and maybe I could make something work in the long run. But not if I don't pace myself, I guess! Thank you x
I actually really relate to this. I have loved writing on here. I have also at times found it exhausting. I work. In marketing so I am at my laptop all day - making content, editing writing etc etc. Then I do my mum things when my nugget gets home from nursery. By the time I get downstairs it’s probably about 8:45. Then I am writing. Sometimes to the point of my eyes hurting and my brain not actually thinking clearly anymore. But it does become a bit of an addiction doesn’t it? And I’ve had some big jumps in engagement due to that recent bonnie blue piece and actually I’ve found myself feeling a bit nervous to post as with that big jump in engagement can come negativity - I was even called “a pick me” because of my take 🤣 (inspo for my next piece? Yes I think so ha!)
I don’t think you’re alone in your feelings in this piece. It was very relatable and I hope you don’t beat yourself up over it. Life is messy and technology has definitely uprooted us from our natural state and it’s hard to control sometimes, try as we might x
I know what you mean about the increased subscriber numbers. I've talked to someone else about this, like, suddenly it doesn't feel safe anymore? I'm not there yet, but it's less 'intimate' somehow, I guess? Thank you, as always, for your support x
I personally love these kinds of posts. Keep it coming (if you enjoy it!) This really resonates: "the energy and chaos of hyperfixation can feel like a relief. Until it doesn’t." Especially after burnout (which I'm also dealing with). I'm practicing micro pacing now and it's really helping.
Thanks, Morgana. I've had a good day today, hardly been online at all! Not a minute to write though 🤣🤦♀️ I love the feel of writing when the muse takes me - I need to worry less about what people think (let's be honest, we've done that for most of our lives, right?) - I've never promised anything particular in my publication, this is all discovery. I should probably give some thought to being more structured with recovery, but with my little one's needs, it can be difficult to know what demands will be like from day to day, and the danger is, if I try to achieve specific goals and fail, that will be worse for me, mentally. I'm trying to listen to my body, not always achieving that, but at least it's a start.
I feel so much better when I'm offline more, too! So relating to the unpredictability of mothering life, and the need to have flexible goals. Listening to our bodies is definitely a great start!
I also deleted my substack app on my phone. It was too distracting, and I was scrolling too much instead of spending time with my newborn. Having the app would be easier for publishing short notes, but I'd rather have more freedom. Now I just use the notes app to capture ideas
Deleting the Substack app so it’s not so easy to hop on.
Using your laptop instead of your phone to give yourself some space.
Letting yourself watch TV and just rest, even if it felt “unproductive.”
I think you might already know this, but to me it feels like you’re doing both; what can look like slips or weaknesses are also the earliest moves toward survival and self-preservation. Samuel Beckett said, 'I can't go on. I will go on.'
Thank you. You're right, noticing is the first big step for me. Usually, my way forward in these situations is to delete my account from whatever app I've been hooked on, but that's not an option for me here. It means too much.
I have almost given up on my substack several different times for some similar reasons to the ones you note here. That is not actionable or useful feedback necessarily, but just adding it to say you're not alone.
I think using this space to vent is absolutely welcomed! We all arrived here because writing is a path to understanding, even if we didn’t know what we were trying to understand initially. It’s a way to sort through things, reflect and maybe sort again. So why not reflect on the difficult days and even harder aspects of being human, and yeah, the ways you’ve been maligned with the silt we call social media (even if it is Substack). Take the rest. Watch the tv. Read the book. Go buy new candles (🤪). We’ll all be here, some of us also in the Substack void.
This is honest, and oh so relatable. I have a post. I haven't published yet about the very same thing. This place is wonderful and hard and addictive. Hopefully we will both find our way. Also, I don't know why I totally thought you were a woman, so now I am shook:)
Sometimes the most unfiltered posts we write are the most relatable. That is certainly the case here. I've reached a place in my burnout where I just can't focus on anything, including writing Substack posts. I look at how many days it has been since I posted my last one, also aware that my views have taken a hit, and then I panic because it's been over a week and I feel this dreadful obligation to post something even when I can't think of a single thing to write about. And even that is with 6,000 different thoughts in my head.
Then I remind myself about why I'm writing in the first place. Yes it's nice to have as many views as possible, but that's not really why I do it. I do it because it helps me makes sense of myself. Almost every post I've written has helped me clear my head in some way. Perhaps it's the same for you?
Am I rambling on here? I have no idea. 😬😵💫🙄
A rant and a ramble - we should start a double act ha ha! I'll be honest, I have a vague idea, but I can't fully remember what's in the post, and I only wrote it 2 or 3 hours ago. It just poured out. I've been getting this need in the afternoon to just get things off my chest by writing about them - I think it helps. It certainly doesn't contribute to the 'addiction' side of substack for me, because, like you say - that's why I'm here, not to scroll and scroll! I briefly worry that people will think I'm a whingy, sad moo, but if that's true, I guess so be it!
Hey, we're all whingy sad moos here. 😂
Ahhhh good ha ha
I hope you can give yourself lots of grace. I think I turn to social media or Substack because I’m looking for something: connection : human contact : brain food : escapism : - caring for a little one with lots of needs can be lonely and gruelling. Perhaps if there were more real life in person helpers we wouldn’t turn to our phones so much but - my friends are at work / my family don’t live locally etc etc. so - if I want to see a face or express myself then I have a little machine in my pocket that can meet some of that need albeit imperfectly.
This pm my kid was playing in the garden he wants me there but he wants me to be sat still not doing jobs - so - I go on Substack as well as staring into space. I tried to read a book but he kept snatching the book / stealing the book mark. I’m good at putting the phone down as soon as he wants me. I’m not going to beat myself up about it and I hope you can be really gentle with yourself because, it’s hard what you do x
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'm not always good at putting the phone down when he wants me, I'm guilty of being irritated with him for disturbing me, because the disruption is pretty constant. But yes, it is all those things, but I think I've lost myself in there somehow too and I need to find a balance x
I hear you. It’s hard isn’t it.
It really is. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my rambling and commenting x
I have such a terrible relationship with rest as well. It's hard not to get hyperfixated on Substack as well. The way I see it is that I'm not in the space where I can truly bring my insights forward and this is still an exploratory play area. I'm happy (and hoping, because I have plans) for this to stay a sort of "back burner" until my real calling makes itself apparent through showing up here. For us neurodivergents it's hard hyperfixating and not getting immediate results in a big way, because we're probably used to doing the work of 10 people when we have a good run at it. Motherhood significantly slows that process 😅 An autistic girl who's podcast I listen to described it as "being crushed under the weight of her own potential". I definitely feel that 😂 The thing I'm realising is that will probably never leave me. I'm trying to make peace with that feeling being there constantly 😅 I know your situation is completely different and I hope I'm not coming across as trying to guide you, just my honest reflections on the feelings this have brought up for me. You're making wonderful insights and connections here, even if it feels slow 🐌 💙🙏🏻
I can certainly relate to her feeling of "being crushed under the weight of her own potential" too! Since realising about my AuDHD, I've had to take a serious look at what is realistically possible for me in the future, and at the moment, 'not much' is the answer! There's too much to deal with at home with my son to even think about getting a job or going back to uni, because I know I wouldn't cope; I'd quickly become overwhelmed. But here, I feel I belong, and maybe I could make something work in the long run. But not if I don't pace myself, I guess! Thank you x
I actually really relate to this. I have loved writing on here. I have also at times found it exhausting. I work. In marketing so I am at my laptop all day - making content, editing writing etc etc. Then I do my mum things when my nugget gets home from nursery. By the time I get downstairs it’s probably about 8:45. Then I am writing. Sometimes to the point of my eyes hurting and my brain not actually thinking clearly anymore. But it does become a bit of an addiction doesn’t it? And I’ve had some big jumps in engagement due to that recent bonnie blue piece and actually I’ve found myself feeling a bit nervous to post as with that big jump in engagement can come negativity - I was even called “a pick me” because of my take 🤣 (inspo for my next piece? Yes I think so ha!)
I don’t think you’re alone in your feelings in this piece. It was very relatable and I hope you don’t beat yourself up over it. Life is messy and technology has definitely uprooted us from our natural state and it’s hard to control sometimes, try as we might x
I know what you mean about the increased subscriber numbers. I've talked to someone else about this, like, suddenly it doesn't feel safe anymore? I'm not there yet, but it's less 'intimate' somehow, I guess? Thank you, as always, for your support x
I personally love these kinds of posts. Keep it coming (if you enjoy it!) This really resonates: "the energy and chaos of hyperfixation can feel like a relief. Until it doesn’t." Especially after burnout (which I'm also dealing with). I'm practicing micro pacing now and it's really helping.
Thanks, Morgana. I've had a good day today, hardly been online at all! Not a minute to write though 🤣🤦♀️ I love the feel of writing when the muse takes me - I need to worry less about what people think (let's be honest, we've done that for most of our lives, right?) - I've never promised anything particular in my publication, this is all discovery. I should probably give some thought to being more structured with recovery, but with my little one's needs, it can be difficult to know what demands will be like from day to day, and the danger is, if I try to achieve specific goals and fail, that will be worse for me, mentally. I'm trying to listen to my body, not always achieving that, but at least it's a start.
I feel so much better when I'm offline more, too! So relating to the unpredictability of mothering life, and the need to have flexible goals. Listening to our bodies is definitely a great start!
I also deleted my substack app on my phone. It was too distracting, and I was scrolling too much instead of spending time with my newborn. Having the app would be easier for publishing short notes, but I'd rather have more freedom. Now I just use the notes app to capture ideas
It's way too easy to fall into the habit - I use Google Keep in the same way for my ideas.
Well, you're awesome. That's what I feel so I'm saying it.
Awwww, thank you so much, that's a really lovely thing to say x
I’m glad you wrote this. Here’s my take:
Deleting the Substack app so it’s not so easy to hop on.
Using your laptop instead of your phone to give yourself some space.
Letting yourself watch TV and just rest, even if it felt “unproductive.”
I think you might already know this, but to me it feels like you’re doing both; what can look like slips or weaknesses are also the earliest moves toward survival and self-preservation. Samuel Beckett said, 'I can't go on. I will go on.'
Thank you. You're right, noticing is the first big step for me. Usually, my way forward in these situations is to delete my account from whatever app I've been hooked on, but that's not an option for me here. It means too much.
I have almost given up on my substack several different times for some similar reasons to the ones you note here. That is not actionable or useful feedback necessarily, but just adding it to say you're not alone.
Thanks, Hannah, and that does make a difference x
I think using this space to vent is absolutely welcomed! We all arrived here because writing is a path to understanding, even if we didn’t know what we were trying to understand initially. It’s a way to sort through things, reflect and maybe sort again. So why not reflect on the difficult days and even harder aspects of being human, and yeah, the ways you’ve been maligned with the silt we call social media (even if it is Substack). Take the rest. Watch the tv. Read the book. Go buy new candles (🤪). We’ll all be here, some of us also in the Substack void.
Thanks, as always, for your support Jenn - I think I've been put off candles for life ha ha! I'll never look at one in the same way again.
This is honest, and oh so relatable. I have a post. I haven't published yet about the very same thing. This place is wonderful and hard and addictive. Hopefully we will both find our way. Also, I don't know why I totally thought you were a woman, so now I am shook:)